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Grief can be an all-consuming, incredibly exhausting process. It is completely normal, as a grieving mother, to desire to return to a sense of normalcy in their lives while being in the midst of grief. This can be tricky as we might experience guilt when we step out of feeling engulfed by sadness – even just for a minute. However, the Dual-Process Model of grief helps normalize this and perhaps even gives us the permission we need to take breaks from grief.
The Dual Process Model of Grief, developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, is a widely recognized framework for understanding the grief process. It describes grief as a complex and dynamic process that involves both “loss-oriented” and “restoration-oriented” coping strategies.
Loss-oriented activities include processing, reflecting, or expressing your grief, or engaging in rituals related to your loss. Restoration-oriented activities offer a moment of relief, distraction, and focus on things other than your loss.
One of the key insights of this model is that grieving people often oscillate between these two coping strategies. For example, as a mama who has lost a child, you may have moments where you are deeply immersed in her grief and feelings of loss, but then other moments where you try to distract yourself or return to a normal routine. What I love about this model is that it normalizes that complete sorrow can and should be interrupted by other emotions – like moments of joy – without feeling guilty. Because the grief and the restoration live side-by-side.
In reality, these “mini-breaks” are a necessity to restore your body, mind, and spirit so that you can keep doing the deep healing work.
Grief does not have a clear timeline and it does not have a beginning or an end. Every mama grieves differently and there is no one right way to do it. Though you might feel like you “have to” be sad all the time, I hope that you now see that it is quite healthy not to be.
Today, consider choosing a restorative activity from the list above or revisit an old hobby, or go in the direction of what draws you in. Welcome the momentary escape and engage in the activity fully.
And repeat this affirmation (from the Light in Loss Daily Healing Affirmation Card deck) after me:
I am still worthy of love & happiness.
You’ve got this, mama. Vera xoxo
Vera is a Reiki Master Teacher and Energy Coach who helps women identify, clear, and heal blocked energy so they can move through grief and trauma, and become joyfully present in their lives again. She is a Board Certified Coach, Certified Sound Healer, Certified Yoga Teacher, and proud mama of two living children and one in the stars. She holds a Masters Degree in Counseling and a Ph.D in Education. She has healed from deep grief and sexual trauma using the modalities she now teaches, and has authored a children’s book and healing affirmation cards to support grieving women and their families. Most importantly, she’s on a mission to make energy healing accessible to everyone.
