6 Ways to Survive this Holiday Season as a Grieving Mama

mama, holidays can be so damn hard for the grieving.

I know, because I could barely pull myself out of bed this morning. It’s been almost 3 years since our son, Hayes, was stillborn. I’ve been feeling well and strong for many months now – even supporting other women in their grief journeys as a coach.  And then,*bam*,  out of nowhere, it all felt so heavy again.

The holiday season has a way of putting grief front and center, doesn’t it? Here’s why: 

???? So. much. cheer. everywhere. At holiday gatherings. At the office. At the dang grocery store. And there’s an expectation that everyone feels it.

If not, they might try to cheer you up awkwardly. Or they might wonder (sometimes out loud) when you are going to “get over it.” They may even offer misguided support, like, “Don’t worry, you can always have another.”

Even worse, in my experience, is when your loss is not acknowledged at all in an attempt to “not upset you”.

???? Family traditions may serve as a constant reminder of the absence of your baby. 

An empty chair at the festive table. An empty stocking hanging on the mantel. Gifts arriving for everyone in the family while there’s none for your baby under the tree. Ugh, the reminders are ever-present.

????Holiday cards.

The first year after Hayes was born sleeping, our holiday card caused me so much anxiety. How could we possibly take photos without our full family? How could we muster up smiles when we were grieving so hard? How do we list our family on the card?  (Should we add Hayes’ name along with his siblings or acknowledge his life in some way? Should we not do that for fear of upsetting people?) 

And as each new card arrived from loved ones far and wide, it was a constant reminder that life around us was moving forward (so many things to celebrate, including new pregnancies and healthy babies) while ours felt like it had completely stopped.

Mama, if you are experiencing any of these challenges this holiday season, just know that it is normal and that you are not alone.

Here’s my best advice, from both personal experience and in-depth training:

???? Be kind to yourself. You are going to have big emotions at unplanned and unideal times. Don’t beat yourself up if you are not your best self right now. Your journey is your journey, whatever it looks like.

???? Move the big feelings through. Even though it might not always seem it, big feelings aren’t innately “bad.” They are simply data points – ways for our bodies to communicate with us. 

Often, instead of leaning in to listen what our bodies have to say, we push those feelings deeeeep down and pretend they aren’t there.

We’re so good at keeping busy to avoid them. Holiday shopping, Netflix marathons, doom scrolling, ice-cream binges… all in a day’s work of avoidance, no?

But here’s the thing. If we don’t allow ourselves to feel our big feelings, they can get stuck. They will find a place to live inside our bodies  (cue physical pain, discomfort, illness, etc.), hang out in our energetic fields (exhausted much?), and lurk just under the surface of our minds (playing peekaboo at the most inopportune times). 

The big feelings need to first be acknowledged (name the emotion and sit with it) and then moved out. This means being mindfully present for whatever emotions show up, and then lovingly releasing them.

There are many powerful ways to do this. Here are my favorites:

✅Movement practices like yoga – or running, boxing, intuitive dancing, whatever feels good. Just move the energy, mama.

✅Nervous-system regulation strategies (see my Insta reels for some ideas or scroll through the #nervoussystemregulation feed). These are game changers – promise!

✅Subtle body approaches. This one is a bit tricky to describe, so bear with me. Basically, you release the stuck energy from your energetic field using intention and some super cool energy-ninja tricks. I can’t recommend this work enough! However, it is best done for the first time with a trained coach (like me!) to show you how. 

✅Free writing in your favorite journal to release unhelpful thought patterns. If your mind is full of chatter, get it all out on paper. And then replace those thoughts with healthier ones,  like the ones in your Light in Loss deck – one card at a time.

???? Say “no” when you don’t have the capacity. Boundaries are an important way to love yourself – and allow others to love you. Self-care is not selfish. 

???? Forgive. Yourself, first. (Grief tells us lies about our loss being our fault. That needs to be released.) Also forgive those loved ones who don’t fully understand or honor your grief journey. 

???? Seek support. If it gets too heavy to carry, lay it down in the presence of a professional. There are exceptional grief coaches and therapists specializing in perinatal and infant loss. Please reach out if you’d like direct support from me, or need a referral. 

???? Connect with other mamas who understand. At a time when it could feel like no one gets what you are going through, seek out other mamas who do. There are so many wonderful support groups out there, in person or online. 

And if that’s not your cup of tea, join one of the many supportive online communities for grieving mamas that exist on social platforms like Facebook. (I’m building one, too! It’s super small at the moment, which means you can help shape this community to be what you need!) 

Go where you are led,  mama. Find your people. This journey is so much easier when you don’t feel so very, very alone.

And try to remember, even in this season, you are enough. Just as you are. 

In love, light, and healing,